Faking It Until You Make It Only Works a Little Bit

The limits of habitual radical confidence and positive manifestations. (this post is emo low key)

I am a firm believer and success story in the concept of faking it until you make it. With a long-term commitment to faking the person I wanted to be, I went from cripplingly insecure to someone so confident people hate me for it. What was once forceful, laborious positive self-talk turned into easy sayings that flow out of my mouth without a second thought. What used to be performative behaviors in front of my understanding friends turned into natural actions I do around strangers and even when I’m alone.

I completely, successfully faked it until I made it. I am now known for my confidence and my energy. Was it worth it? Maybe.

Setting the Stage

I’m writing this blog post for you all on a very melodramatic evening for myself. I took my reactive anxiety meds to help me chill, took a max temperature shower with my super sad songs playlist blasting, and searched Instagram for the most aesthetic Sylvia Plath quote to put on my private story.

Life punched me in the face the past two weeks, I deserve to feel emo!

Cognitive Dissonance

The past two weeks, my deepest insecurities have been poked and prodded:

Am I actually deserving of any of the success I’ve seen over the past year?

Is my body good enough?

Could anyone ever possibly love me?

I usually keep these thoughts in the back of my mind, but they were powerfully thrown into the front of my brain by the actions of other people. Because of this, people have told me that I am acting a little out of character; I’m not my normal self. But these insecurities have always been a part of me, the deepest pieces of myself.

But what is my normal self? Is it my trained behaviors and my manufactured public perception, or is it the insecure person I always was? When did the old Quinn end and the new Quinn begin? Am I both equally, or does one version outweigh the other? How did I project this version of myself so strongly without my internal feelings catching up?

My Shower Thought

I think when you “fake it til’ you make it” too close to the sun, every minor inconvenience challenges your sense of self. Even when you’ve gotten to the point where everything you faked becomes your natural responses to the world around you, the performative origins can never leave your system. You will always know, even if you’re the only one, that that is not actually you. Not fully, at least. This is a feeling that is very hard to describe to the people around me.

I think that I am probably on the smaller end of the scale of this problem. Imagining celebrities or influencers dealing with inflated and uncontrollable large-scale public perception issues makes me shudder. I’m just glad I get to keep this between me and the people close to me.

#NoRegrets

With all of this being said, I have to conclude by saying I do not regret faking it until making it. Although I face the occasional crisis of self-image, the results have been overwhelmingly positive since I started the intentional journey to confidence in my sophomore year of college.

I’ve bettered myself by quelling the competitive urge to take down other successful women, I’ve mastered the art of shooting ridiculously high for no reason, and letting go of any fear of rejection.

An insecure kid will always be trapped in deep corners of my brain, and she might make life difficult when provoked, but overall, my life has still improved because of my leap to radical confidence.

If you are going through a confidence journey yourself, stay with it. Even through the tough times where the original you creeps back in to temporarily pull you back to who you once were. Recognize those needs, respect those needs, fulfill those needs, but never forget the idealistic version of yourself that is within reach. I can do it, you can do it, we can do it.