Hi Quintessential readers!
I’m going a little off script here to talk about something serious but near and dear to my heart. I hope you read with an open mind, and men PAY ATTENTION!
It’s Not Hateful to be a Man-Hater
“Women have always been the canaries in the coal mines, quietly singing. We are so used to seeing them die at men’s hands, so used to justifying and excusing it as normal or understandable, that wouldn’t occur to us to consider this enough of an aberration to raise alarm.”
-Laura Bates, Men Who Hate Women
This quote highlights how society has normalized and overlooked the suffering women endure, often dismissing it as just part of life. While some may interpret women’s anger or disdain toward men as inherently hateful, I personally feel that such feelings often stem from lived experiences—pain, injustice, and betrayal—that deserve acknowledgment rather than dismissal.
This isn’t about women in general, but specifically about a subset—those perceived as aggressive man-haters, radical feminists, individuals “doing the most”—whose emotions and perspectives are often misunderstood. In reality, expressing disdain or critique toward men, especially from those who have been deeply affected by the effects of patriarchy, isn’t inherently hateful; rather, it reveals vulnerability and a desire for change. This article aims to help men explore how to support their friends who harbor such feelings, steps that help transform pain into understanding and constructive action.
Note - this guide is written from the perspective of a cis white woman certified man-hater, but please remember that you’re not successfully practicing feminism or allyship unless you apply and expand this information to support all women including trans women and women of color.
Action Steps:
1. Educate YOURSELF
If you started a timer right now and offered me no resources whatsoever, I could probably talk about ways in which patriarchy harms women for longer than Corey booker filibustered in Congress this year. The reasons are truly endless, big and small.
But that would never happen.
The first reason you couldn’t catch any man hater doing this is because we are so tired of fighting to be heard. Generations of human history have passed and women are barely beginning to earn respect in leadership, academia, and social institutions. The bias that all people have, even other women’s internalized misogyny, causes a lot of people to write off the messages of women; to think they’re less credible. A heightened awareness of this fact sometimes makes us feel like it’s not even worth it to try to convince anyone. The large scale, systemic global changes that need to happen won’t be from me, some girl from Kansas. It’s just not worth it.
The second reason you need to take it upon yourself to get educated on the inequities created by the patriarchy is because women are just exhausted. Exhausted from having to be trailblazers in fields that have existed for centuries. Exhausted from the invisible labor assigned through traditional gender roles. Exhausted from helping the men in our lives become more emotionally intelligent because - newsflash - patriarchy is hurting you all too by stunting your ability to express how you truly feel in the ways that work for you.
So men, take a class, listen to the brave women who do the work of sharing their stories and educating the masses on women’s issues through content, consume women-centered fiction, engage in conversations with the women around you, visit Google dot com. The options are endless, ignorance is violence.
2. Reflect on Your Life. Just Reflect.
Men, reflection is awesome. In case you’ve never done it before, you can reflect by thinking of things you have previously done and asking yourself questions about if you made the right choices and how things may have gone differently under different circumstances.
When you’re in a position of power and privilege, and trust me as a white woman I understand this, it can sometimes be nerve wracking to reflect on the instances where you truly did make the wrong choice. No one wants to hurt other people, no one wants to feel uncomfortable about the things they’ve done, and no one wants to question themselves to the point where they wonder if they’re a good person after everything they’ve done. Everyone they’ve hurt. Every time they abused their privilege.
The truth is, you can’t unhurt the people you hurt. You can’t unsay the things you’ve said or undo any of your actions. There will never be a positive outcome in which you are absolved. When you’re reflecting you have to recognize that. Men, if you reflect and realize you hurt a woman with your words or actions some time ago, big or small, there is not going to be a world where you reach back out to her and apologize and she forgives you. She doesn’t want to hear from you. Your name popping up on her phone would ruin her week. You’re going to have to sit with it alone.
But this truth, this uncomfortable path forward knowing you’ll basically be maintaining your status quo, just a little more insecure about yourself is actually an opportunity. You get the chance to identify what went wrong, what you should have done, and then never hurt a woman like that again.
This is one of the ways where allyship isn’t about you, it’s about women. If you can’t do this work on your own time you’re just allowing yourself to perpetuate bad behaviors that victimize women in some way or another. Be better without being forgiven.
3. Never Take it Personally (Unless the Shoe Fits)
Men, like I said before, openly man-hating is inherently vulnerable, especially in front of men. If you have a woman friend who is comfortable enough to be a massive hater around you, you’re probably a safe person to her. Either that or she’s explicitly referencing something very specific that you did in her presence and not being subtle about it because a certified man hater will always put a man in his place.
Taking generalized man-hating personally is not the right thing to do. In fact, it might actually hurt the way your friend perceives you. Here’s an example of when someone who was a trusted ally of mine made me question some things due to a strange, personal reaction to a generalized man-hating comment.
I work in a very male-dominated field, but I am very intentional about surrounding myself with a woman-centered informal network in the workplace for mutual support and community. As you’d expect, this group is mostly women, but every now and then we get a stray ally man to earn our trust and join the party. These small work group gatherings are the key to my sanity sometimes as they’re the grounds for closed door conversations in which we recognize and process the systemic inequities we face on the daily. It’s our space to speak freely and be understood by other women and our allies so we can continue to move forward without succumbing to the patriarchal forces.
So, tell me why in one of these closed-door sessions I said the very general “I think all men are stupid” and the vibe instantly shifted. So I said it again. In my safe space with my women and ally. The ally got all weird about it though. So much so that the conversation ended immediately, comments were made next day, and we haven’t spoken since. It’s been over two months.
Here is how I interpreted this reaction. He was one of my recognized, designated allies. He’s been present at all of our interactions just like I have, so I wish he would have clocked pretty quickly that I wasn’t talking about him at all, but rather the concept of men and the different standards they’re held to. So why would he think that it was him? Does he think he did something and just didn’t know? Does he know he’s done something? Does he just not reflect on these things? If he was uncomfortable, he had to have a reason to be. A reason that I don’t know. So, I guess if the shoe fits, all I can do is let him wear it.
4. Hold Your Buddies Accountable
Allyship isn’t just something you practice when you’re around women or women-oriented spaces. Allyship takes place when you’re with other men too.
I know the internet is obsessed with the word performative right now, but I must use it. If you’ll call out someone saying a lewd comment in front of your girlfriend but not snap at your buddy at the gym when he objectifies some stranger, that’s performative allyship. Real allyship means having women’s equality and equity in mind even when there are no women present or the women aren’t personally connected to you. I promise you that your buddy isn’t just saying it privately, he’s saying it to women online and in person all the time when you’re not there. If you, a man, tell him to knock it off he might actually listen.
When it comes to legitimate violence against women - including allegations with no action and “not guilty” verdicts - I recommend three degrees of separation to be considered a safe person. Here are examples of what the varying degrees look like:
One degree - you absolutely cannot have a friend who commits/has committed violence against one or multiple women.
Two degrees - you should not have a friend who is a close associate or friend of someone who commits/has committed violence against one or multiple women.
Three degrees - you may have a close friend who has a close friend who has a close friend who commits/has committed violence against one or multiple women, but you should avoid this individual at all costs.
5. Own Your Privilege
This may be kind of a hot take, but I think if you can admit when your achievements can be at least partially attributed to your privilege you should just own it.
You got that job because you met someone on the golf course? Cool. Your dad was so proud to pass the family business on to his son and now you’re the CEO of a million dollar firm? Thank your dad publicly on LinkedIn. Your career peak in your late 50s is amazing because your wife generously took a career break to be with your kids all of those years ago? Thank her and recognize that the accomplishment would have been one of you.
In our capitalist, individualistic society I don’t necessarily think it’s wrong to leverage the advantages you have to achieve a higher level of success. What’s wrong is attributing these wins to your skill, your merit, your brains, without any regard for the losses people that are genuinely more capable than you face just because of their identities.
So let’s practice allyship by owning our privilege. Men, that looks like acknowledging sacrifices made by women in your life, the “authority” perceived in your lower voice, the way potential bosses aren’t worried about you getting pregnant and quitting. Say it. Out loud.
Conclusion
Allyship isn’t a one-time gesture or a checkbox to tick off; it’s a daily commitment to challenge the systems and behaviors that perpetuate inequality and harm. Men, the responsibility to create a more just and respectful world starts with you. Every conversation, action, and choice matters. Show up for the women in your life not just in moments of crisis, but consistently, with humility, accountability, and a genuine desire to learn and do better. The path toward true allyship requires effort, reflection, and a willingness to stand against injustice even when it’s uncomfortable. So, I challenge you to practice allyship every day. Listen, learn, hold others accountable, and own your privilege. Because change begins with each of us taking responsibility—today, tomorrow, and every day after.
Please leave a comment with your feedback and suggestions. I’m dying to know what my readers think. Thank you for reading!!!
About Quintessential
Thank you so much for reading! Quintessential is a collection of personal writings about how I am managing to live my life authentically as myself. You may be interested in this publication if you:
Are a young woman trying to make it in this world;
Enjoy niche topics;
Care about your communities around you;
Don’t take life too seriously; and
Want to know what makes me, me!