Joining The Military as a Means of Escapism
I'd Get Snatched at Basic...
Sometimes, when things feel tough for me, I like to picture all the ways I could blow my life up and burn every bridge in an unexpected way. Maybe I’ll join a cult, maybe I’ll throw my phone away and drive off, or maybe…
Maybe I’ll join the military.
Disclaimer: I am someone who does not support violence of any kind, especially WAR, so you know it must be a cry for help to openly tell the world that I’ve considered enlisting in the military in order to escape my tragic work life. I think that I am redeemed by the fact that I am not eligible for enlistment due to health issues so none of this matters, but I wanted to share some of the insane ways I rationalized and gaslit myself into thinking that enlisting is preferable to my current job.
Getting snatched at basic
I don’t know much about basic training or what it entails, but I imagine there is lots of working out and eating protein. Having a government sponsored opportunity to take a break from civilian life to get jacked like a muscle mommy or maybe just skinny like a girlie sound like a worthwhile investment. Crazy that beauty standards are so pervasive that it makes enlistment an attractive idea to me.
A battalion of baddies
As a 25-year-old woman, I have a strong yearning for forming and maintaining strong female friendships to support each other through this pivotal time in our lives. I picture me and my baddie battalion gossiping all night in our bunks in the barracks, complaining about the coffee in the mess hall, and playing smash or pass with the meathead men at basic. Even though it may culminate in active warfighting, pure girl time is such a precious commodity. Potentially adding a girl code section to the military oath and segregating us from the men into baddie battalions will create the female community we so desperately want.
I wouldn’t be deployed to an active war zone
Like I said, I have health issues that keep me from enlisting, however if war time were to begin, they might waive that exception. Even so, I couldn’t ship off to the front lines without my meds. They don’t even have my prescriptions in stock at the local Sam’s Club, how would they get it to a base in Qatar? If they wanted to utilize my snatched services after basic, they’d station me in some office in Germany to do payroll or something chill like that.
Veteran’s benefits
Picture this: you got snatched at basic, you spent the war in a nice walkable European city doing inventory counts on the bombs and purposely miscounting so we use less to actual people, you meet an awesome squad of girls who you go to cafes with, and then you come home and get a discount at the movie theater. Every veteran of the baddie battalions gets free tickets to see the sequel to M3GAN.
Easy outfit picking
Can’t decide what to wear to work? In the military, I wouldn’t have to think about my appearance and perception as much. We’d all be wearing the same thing, yet no one would have to go home and change. Plus, you’d always look good because you got snatched at basic. Using the military for your summer bod and new catalogue of looks is morally fine, unlike war which is morally reprehensible.
Ghosting privilege
Have a bad tinder date? Ghost him by going M.I.A , deploying, or deserting. He shouldn’t have gotten too comfortable. Women can do anything men can, including getting snatched at basic and shipping off to war and cheating on their spouse while away.
Introduction to Space Force
Now this is controversial, but I’ve always said that if I got an opportunity to enlist in the space force I would drop everything to do it. Not because I support the regime, or long for intergalactic war, but because it would advance my personal dream of being the city manager of the first American space colony OR being designated for ambassadorship with alien communities discovering our space. I’m sure entry-level grunt work would include a lot of hazard mitigation for orbital space debris in the atmosphere, but it is one of the only feasible paths towards my deepest professional goals. I would get noticed by the right people, I think. And imagine how cool I would look in a star fighter.
Too Much Cognitive Dissonance
As you can see, there are plenty of positives to enlisting in the military right now, the most enticing being getting snatched at basic for free. Unfortunately, this thought pattern only works if you can actively forget that civilians are just pawns in a game of risk being played by people who don’t know you exist. Maybe if I had the ability to ignore human empathy in exchange for all of these perks, I’d have joined the club already.
I Don’t Want to Comment
I will not be commenting on the prospect of war from any country’s point of view. My only stance is that all acts of violence are wrong. The only bombs I support are the bombs that get dropped in the work bathroom after a lunch catered by Chipotle. If I was personally at war, I’d always put the MISS in missile, because I would purposely not hit anything. I got snatched at basic but they couldn’t teach me how to aim.
You’re free to comment, though. Am I onto something here? Am I creating homebrewed war propaganda without realizing? Let me know what you think of these ideas in the comments!
Tough Times, I Guess
So, as I reflect on these wild ideas and the chaos at the aforementioned worksite that led me here, I can't help but feel that the root of all this dissatisfaction lies beyond my control in my real life. The systemic issues, the leadership failures, and the endless mismanagement have pushed me to the brink. Honestly, if things don't change soon—if my concerns continue to fall on deaf ears—I might have no choice but to walk away from this mess altogether. S, if you’re reading this (you should know who you are), I hope you understand the gravity of the situation that causes me to rationalize enlisting like this in order to escape.
Something New…
I will never ask for a paid subscription on Substack, but in an attempt to pursue my passion for writing so I could potentially one day leave the job that makes me want to enlist, I’m introducing my Buy Me A Coffee page!
From this page, you can securely hand over one-time support if you enjoy my content and/or want to engage with me as a writer! I’ll be uploading all of my posts to that page as well. There is no obligation at all to participate in this, I just want to be very vocal and intentional about the seriousness of my creative pursuits at this juncture.
About Quintessential
Thank you so much for reading! Quintessential is a collection of personal writings about how I am managing to live my life authentically as myself. You may be interested in this publication if you:
Are a young woman trying to make it in this world;
Enjoy niche topics;
Care about your communities around you;
Don’t take life too seriously; and
Want to know what makes me, me!