Hey Quintessential readers! Like many young adults in the world, I am not immune to the midwinter blues. The general state of the world is not helpful right now, either, so I’ve spent a lot of time and energy lately thinking about how to preserve the highlights of life in the face of recent disappointments and rejections.
Whether it’s work, personal life, relationships, or the world at large, here are my quintessential tips for making it through disappointment and rejection.
Be dramatic, privately
Picture yourself completely uninhibited by the expectations of decorum when you were first hit by the shock of disappointment. Would you scream? Cry? Punch a wall?
Whatever you see your most dramatic and emotional self doing, I want you to consider actually doing it. So long as you aren’t breaking anything, and keeping to yourself or your small group of trusted individuals it’s literally fine to feel any emotion however you need to feel it. You aren’t a worse person for screaming and crying on your apartment complex treadmill alone in the m dark at 4am. You’re not hurting anyone by doing that!!
I’ve been emptying drama this deep dark winter season by taking the time to make covers of my favorite sad girl songs so that while I wallow to the songs, it has that personal touch. The urge to isolate through disappointment is so strong that Phoebe Bridgers isn’t even invited to my pity party anymore.
Make the small wins big
When your an unwilling resident of flop city, wins are few and far between. Sometimes the manufactured wins are the only guarantees to get you through it.
Here are my classic manufactured small wins:
Taking selfies in my office window with perfect lighting salvages a hard work day
Drinking my favorite drink (pink slush alani idk how to get sponsored but plz sponsor me!!)
Wearing glitter eyeshadow makes me feel good
Petting my cat and looking at my plants reminds me that I am capable of caring for myself and others
Spending time with my partner that I am loved and can love back
I typically do these things every day anyways, but the codification of their spot in the day keeps me planted in myself and the real things around me. Not the people surrounding me or the thoughts in my head.
Practice presence and perspective
Each of those small wins before are ways to practice presence. Being here in the physical world at this time and place rather than whatever’s going on up in your head. When the daily routine of little wins isn’t enough to keep the ruminating away, there are additional interventions to try: shocks of presence, and big picture interruption.
Shock of presence
This is basically using some sort of sensory experience to shock yourself back to reality. Some of my favorites are yoga/stretches (bonus points if it’s HOT), a hot or cold shower, popping as many joints as I can in as quick of succession as possible, or singing.
Big picture interruption
When you can identify that ruminating thought pattern - the what if’s, the repetition, the worst case scenarios - interrupt yourself by asking “so what?” Does it actually matter? In the grand scheme of things, does this disappointment affect the trajectory of your life or this world? I’ll warn that sometimes the answer is yes, or sometimes this just doesn’t work, but it’s something to practice and try if you’re running out of options.
Face reality
In the belly of pain, grief, disappointment, and rejection is not the time to be whimsical in your world view. There is no flowery reframe that will make it better. Only accepting the outcome and giving yourself the space to process however you need to will move you forward past the disappointment. Keep the whimsy for our wins and joys.
Not everything needs to be addressed
When certain things happen that disappoint you, especially interpersonally, consider leaving them be and just disappearing. If someone is not who you thought they were, you can remember them the way they were. No discussion needs to be had, no fight needs to ensue, no one needs to prove themselves to each other at our big adult ages where we won’t change too much anymore. It’s a favor to everyone involved to just process privately and move forward in your own direction.
Getting Help
Still not cracking the midwinter blues? Taking a little too long to overcome the disappointment? Experiencing this all year round? Mental health support is available. I’ve struggled with anxiety and know exactly how hard it can be without a village (or medication!) behind you. Don’t be afraid to take the first step.
Alright Quintessential readers, we’ll make it through the winter!
What are some of your tips for overcoming disappointment and rejection? Anything here you disagree with? Did any mental health deniers find their way to my chat on accident? Let me know in the comments!
About Quintessential
Thank you so much for reading! Quintessential is a collection of personal writings about how I am managing to live my life authentically as myself. You may be interested in this publication if you:
Are a young woman trying to make it in this world;
Enjoy niche topics;
Care about your communities around you;
Don’t take life too seriously; and
Want to know what makes me, me!
The manufactured wins framework is solid. Been doing something similar with micro-rituals during rough patches, but codifying them as "non-negotiables" helped alot. The shock of presence trick especially the joint-popping sequence honestly works better than trying to logic your way out of spiraling.