Pondering…
What does it mean to spend time with someone?
I sat down to write a think piece about the spice girls and modern dating, but got stopped flat before starting by realizing we don’t all have the same interpretation of our mutual experiences.
So now, I’ll just word vomit everything I think and put it on Substack!
Before sitting down to write about the spice girls, I mentioned to Luke “we’ve spent our whole weekend together,” to which he responded “we’ve only spent 3 hours together today.” Which is true.
I slept until noon, watched a few episodes of tv, went and hung out with some friends going through a tough time, and then met back up with Luke for some errands and dinner. That is not a lot of time actively engaging together.
However, I explained back to him that the way I have experienced it is that he came over Friday after work and we haven’t separated all weekend. Which is also true. BUT as the resident sleeper and tired gal, I was failing to realize how much alone time he really felt he was having while he was just chilling at my house.
I’ve always been a little jealous of the fact that he gets that alone time. I have always wished I had more hours in my day, but alas im sleepy, sickly, and mentally ill, so I spend a disproportionate amount of time sleeping. I don’t have as much energy as other people and that is okay.
So that brings me to the crux of my pondering… what does it really mean to spend time with someone, and how do you reconcile differences in perception of that time between two fundamentally different parties? Here are my proposals:
Scheduled Creative Time.
This one is my top choice for several reasons. For starters, I need to prove to myself that I’m serious about being creative. I can’t continue choosing it fifth or sixth in my life if it is something I am really wanting to do. Additionally, there are some slam dunks for the scheduled times since Luke referees on a regular schedule. He hasn’t refereed all winter so I fell off, but I think if I make it a goal to use that time wisely for myself we can scrape through without disrupting our status quo of spending time together.
Luke gets his own place.
Unfair suggestion! But, I wonder how he would experience it if I was just vibing in his place while he slept. Too bad he doesn’t sleep. But maybe it would be nice to help him with his chores, or be responsible for driving home late at night, or just get out of my own house for a change. I’d also like to see proof that he might be a good roommate but yolo. That is a future conversation.
I seek medical intervention for my sleep problems.
I know that I need a sleep study. I have a ton of dreams, can’t fall asleep, can’t stay asleep, and I don’t feel rested after sleeping unless I get 10+ hours. That is clearly not normal.. I wonder if it is considered self-neglect to just let that go on for your entire lifetime. Is my sleeping affecting my relationships right now? Potentially. He’s brought it up before so I think yes. But it isn’t easily remedied and I know he understands that. I guess we’re working through that one together.
4. I quit writing
Not a great idea because I like it. But I am juggling so many priorities in life… between the house, family, friends, relationship, sports, work, and my creative endeavors I can’t keep up all the time, and my writing is always the thing that falls to the wayside first. Maybe the proof is in the pudding and I truly don’t care enough to keep doing it. Maybe I should just get a journal or something and not try to grow a Substack. Not that I was trying to grow my Substack anyways. I like the semi-publicness of the platform.
Luke encourages me
He wrote the headline of the suggestion so this wasn’t me dunking on him, just truly pondering and revealing my perspective. He does encourage me to write, and he’s watching over my shoulder as each word hits the iPad notes app.
Sometimes he points things out to me very matter of fact, like how we only really spent 3 hours together today. It’s not a guilt trip, and it’s not on purpose, but it triggered some ancestral dna within me that has an anxious attachment style. Is he always expressionlessly pointing these things out just to point them out, or is he subtly asking me to change my behavior? I’m always picking up signs where there are no signs, and dreading problems that aren’t problems, you know, classic anxiety.
I know I inserted a comment box here, but I’m actually not looking for advice. Luke and I are always able to solve our problems. But I am looking for Substack fame so leave a comment <3
Reconciling our difference in perspectives has actually been pretty healing while sitting and writing this in one session. While we’re watching white lotus after this I’ll be making the cover art for the article. He says it is okay for me to post this without the paywall, so you’re welcome fake fans!!
This was a pretty vulnerable post chronicling my pondering in real time. A one sided dialogue where nothing was said. Isn’t that something.
Anyways!
Now that reffing is starting up again for him, I fully expect this issue to just disappear, to be like it was before last season ended. Looking forward to smooth sailing for the rest of the year!